The past few months have been a hell of a roller coaster. The dips and turns my life has taken within the last 6 months has been pretty unexpected, yet incredibly educational.
I caught the travel bug and discovered my love for new places. I had the opportunity to go to Hawaii with one of my best friends and her family and had the time of my life exploring and having once in a lifetime experiences like swimming with manta rays, walking on a once active volcanic crater, and attending a classic Hawaiian luau! This experience made me want to learn and see so much more (when the funds are available!). I look forward to more traveling this upcoming summer and have added many new places to my bucket list.
Life isn’t all rainbow and unicorns, as most of you know. Shortly after Hawaii, my boyfriend and I split up. Easily one of the hardest things I’ve gone through thus far in life. Someone who I’d seen my future with suddenly was no longer there at the touch of a button. I was alone and hurt, but somehow I found strength. I slowly gained confidence and became more care free than I had been in years. I tried my best to lose some tension and do some things I wanted to do like get a tattoo and ride a motorcycle. My friends and family did an amazing job picking me up from my dark place. Eventually, the boy and I had created a new type of relationship and have worked on ourselves in a great way. I don’t hold any grudges and even though I wasn’t expecting it, I found it was for the best for me too. I embraced the situation by becoming closer with friends and family and giving myself time to reinvent myself and find out new things. I was content with life and just wanted to begin my future (becoming a mom and having a stable job). Although I’m still very excited about what my future holds, I have a new found love and respect for the here and now. I’m more secure with myself, knowing I’m a great friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, etc. I don’t consider it bragging either. I’m considerate and caring of others and often put them before myself but lately I’ve been given the opportunity to put myself first and it’s a great feeling to be confident. Again, this is nothing against him. It wasn’t like being with him caused me to feel insecure or like I wasn’t any of the things I’ve already stated. It’s just now I’ve taken a step back and taken a look at myself as an individual rather than myself as apart of a couple and it was a nice awakening. That is the purpose of break ups after all. He will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart, no matter what ends up happening between the two of us.
In November, my life got shaken up a little bit more. My best friend’s dad passed away unexpectedly. To watch someone you love so deeply go through the hardest experience of her short 20 years of life was tremendously difficult. I’ve been blessed to have all 4 of my grandparents alive throughout my entire life and have not had to experience the scary thing we call death. How could I help her at all? I wasn’t sure what to do. The night she found out, I slept over and held her in my arms as she sobbed, saying nothing and silently crying to myself because I felt her pain. I couldn’t imagine losing my father who is super close to me. What could I say? Nothing could take that pain away from her. But I surely wanted to. She had given me so much strength and confidence in myself, made me realize all the positives I held, helped me learn more about life from a different perspective. She is such a dominant presence in my life and in her time of need I had no idea what to do. But through her I’ve learned that that’s okay. Sometimes just being the shoulder to cry on or the ear to listen is enough. Sometimes saying nothing is more than helpful. Or asking questions when I wasn’t sure if what I said was beneficial or the advice wasn’t coming to me. I wanted to be there for whatever she needed but didn’t want to press either. Didn’t want to shower her with gifts when, in reality, they weren’t going to bring her dad back. All I could do was be her best friend. Be the person she could call to talk to whenever ready. Be that person to make light of the situation when needed, and talk to her dad with her when needed. I followed her lead. And in the end, I know she’s strong and can get through the tough days. There’s plenty more of them unfortunately, but luckily there’s people that love and care for her and the connection with her father will surpass the living world. She holds him in her heart forever and I admire her for the way she stepped up for those around her.
(In loving memory of Bill Bucher, RIP)
Now on to the past week of my life. My grandma found out there was a large 8″ by 5″ tumor growing in her lower abdomen. They suspected it was cancer and she was scheduled to go to the oncologist. Within the week, her kidneys began to malfunction and she was placed on dialysis. Next thing I know surgery was scheduled for today. Well after worrying all day and lots of prayers, the surgery went as well as it could have. The doctors got all of the tumor and now we’re waiting for the post-operation tests.
This great news inspired me to write this post. Things looked as if they were spiraling down a scary path with my grandma. Within a week they found the tumor and all these other symptoms began showing up. Life is too short. Nothing is guaranteed. As cliche as those sayings are, they’re completely accurate. People, relationships, conversation, love, learning, experiencing, are important. Realize what you have before it’s gone. I’ll be the first to say I don’t always do this. I get caught up in materialistic tendencies, wanting things I don’t have and forgetting what I do have. But this should happen infrequently. As great as my families’ outcome was, other people and families don’t get the same one. It’s important to be considerate and acknowledge other people and their feelings. I can’t stress enough how grateful I am to have the people in my life that I do. I’m blessed beyond belief.
As the tears begin to fill my eyes, I want to close with this.
Coming from a planner, over thinker, and worrier, don’t let these things stop you from life. As hard as it is to avoid these things, it’s a must. Plan when planning is needed. Think just the right amount. Worry about the right things. The past 6 months have taught me that no matter how much you plan, think, or worry, it may not go your way. Do as much as you can and let the rest flow.
(This is me walking along the crater in Hawaii, but figuratively walking my life’s path)